learning curve...

One love, one heart - let's get it together now and we can feel alright. By Bob Marley.

For anyone who knows me you'll understand that I'm an odd sort, kind of a kook. In fact, the word random is thrown around a lot another thing some might know is that I don't deal with sharing feelings and such all that well. This blog, I suppose, is a bridge for the gap. This is more about having a conversation with myself rather than sharing myself with the world. If someone out there somewhere finds truth in anything that I have to say then all the better. I find comfort in music all day everyday, and in my microblogs on twitter (yes yes I know what people think: I'm a geek, whatever). I like to share the love and spread the feeling of comfort over the web. It's not much in the way of the big wide world but hey it's a start. The reason I'm writing about this at all is because over the past six months I've tried to change my viewpoint on things. The major reason behind this quiet epiphany is that I realised through events happening in my family that life is too short to be spent worrying about 'the small things' and that everyday is a chance to be grateful aand to share that gratitude. As it turned out my perspective needed an adjustment, and so I started looking into other ways of thinking. I found one book The Art of Happiness, that was a huge part in giving my outlook the nudge I needed. I think that if you give it a try, as hard as it might seem at first - the result is that the energy you put into the universe is what you get in return.

So everyday I try to recognise even just a few of the many awesome facets that make up this delightful comedy/tragedy/drama that is my life and give thanks for them. I encourage you to do the same.

For example today I am grateful for:
1. mi familia and the ever present sunshine,

2. my nephew's blindingly obvious love for dancing and music,
3. the beautiful morning I am greeted with,
4. my dear friends who know me inside and out, but they love me anyway (L, Little L, big D and E,
5. the opportunity to do something I love (ie: write and surround myself with music everyday),
6. the music of bob marley and every oldschool rock band that my father listened to when I was growing up.

As a start I'll go with the middle because the beginning, my true beginning was about twenty-two years ago and frankly that's a little too much ground to cover on one blog so I'll start from last week. That's as a good place to start as any.

Last week I decided that pining for someone who couldn't ever be mine for as long as I have, that enough was enough. I made an active decision to try and move on so I put myself out there, which is unusual for me because I'm shy that way. While it didn't work out the way I would have liked I decided that it was most definitely a good thing. I got to learn something more about the boundaries that I'd set for myself so long ago. It wasn't so bad, I'll admit at first the initial feeling of rejection stung a little bit but in the end it was something I needed to learn from. I've never really done anything like that before and the honest truth is that the entire concept of relationships is something maybe more than far from my realm of understanding, possibly because of my past track record.

Anyhow moving right along... On more than a few occasions I've had friends tell me that the things that happen in my life should be recorded as soap opera (the kind that is shown at night during prime time, the content isn't meant for daytime television). I was saying before that made an attempt at putting myself out there... I like to think of myself as a pretty honest person, at least I try to be. What happened was I told someone that I was attracted to them and not surprisingly I was shot down (gently, but shot down nonetheless) - and strangely enough I'm glad. I realised that maybe my motives were a little misguided (and possibly a little selfish) and I wouldn't have come to this conclusion any other way. So Mr Nemo thankyou for your honesty, it really was appreciated more than you know. And as before mentioned I learned something new about myself, until this happened I never really considered that I could let myself go enough to allow new people in.

This said, not long after all this happened a friend of mine let me down and while in the end it wasn't such a big deal overall for me... I just thought that she would have at least stopped to consider my feelings in all this knowing what she knew. I'm not in the least bit angry or hurt, mostly just disappointed given everything that we've been through together, and all the times I was there for her. Sadly, I was mistaken and yet I am once again humbled and grateful for learning something else. I have learned about a new degree of patience and my capacity to forgive. So rather than being angry or bitter or cold, I say thank you. Life is too short for anger or sadness or regrets. However, I owe my regrets for making me the person that I am. To the rest of my friends I say thankyou for being there for me for being around when I truly needed you and giving me support even though I may not have been all that receptive at the time, please don't think your efforts went unnoticed.

To all of you out there in the great wide web 'verse I propose this... Rather than losing your cool, being down on yourself, getting angry or getting even - Get high... as in high-minded. Prove to yourself that you are bigger than petty situations, don't bringyour work home with you, and get through your day with only love and joy in your heart because at the end of the day you'll find that your day is fuller and more worth while. I'll be honest, just like everyone else I don't always get to this point I am only human after all but the fact of the matter is that I try.

Peace, Harmony and most importantly Love to All.

-Chris.